For the first two weeks of being here, we had staff training. I honestly say that it has been one of my favorite times here because I was able to spend some quality time with my co-workers without any campers. I learned so much, and did new things. I learned how to tie knots and put harnesses on myself and others. I learned how to belay, in many different ways, and I learned how much I hate the walk to paintball. I did many new things, and here's an account of one of them, the most important one, in which I learned a whole lot about myself.
The Leaf of Faith. A 32-foot telephone pole. The object of the activity is to climb to the top (using a ladder, staples, and being harnessed and connected to a rope with someone holding it), stand on top of it, and then leap off and try to catch a bar out in front of you. I looked up at the top and one word entered my mind: "No." I was determined to not EVER do this. EVER. All of the other track one counselors had done it, and during this time, one of our S.W.A.T., Anne Marie, had been talking to me, trying to convince me to do it... and somehow, I found myself in a harness attached to a rope about to climb up the ladder. I hadn't planned on it, but up I went. I got to the top, and I was so nervous that I couldn't stand on top of it, so I sat on top of it... for about 10-15 minutes. I felt scared, I felt nauseous, I felt out of control. And I didn't like it. I finally managed to push myself off the top with my legs (after one of my co-workers, Jake, managed to talk me down). I was suspended in mid-air, and then lowered down, shaking tremendously all the while. When I got back down to the ground, I was surrounded by my new friends. Jake started unhooking me from the rope, and they were all telling me how proud they were of me. I looked at them all, and then I started crying. I cried for a good half-an-hour, and the next day, I refused to do the activity that we trained on because I was still shaken up and still wasn't in my completely right mind.
Now, why did this affect me the way that it did? It took me a few days to figure this out myself actually. This is why I responded this way:
This reaction is a reaction that I have had before. I set off a reaction to something by doing something physical. However, this was the first time that something purely physical set off this reaction. What else had set off this reaction? Being kicked out of churches. Being betrayed by my best friends. Moving to a new place where I don't know anyone. Having my heart broken in two different ways less than six months apart from each other. Whenever my world had been turned upside down and I feel like I'm spinning out of control. That is what normally sets off this reaction. This time, something physical set it off. But now I know why. To me, those things that have happened are just like jumping off of a telephone pole. I have a control issue. I don't like it when things start to go wrong and I can't control what's going on. I can't stand it, and yet every time, I've had to leap off and trust that God will catch me and take care of the rest. Through all of those trials, I've grown stronger in the Lord, so I know that they happened for a specific reason. After I leave Doe River, who knows what lies ahead for me this next year at Bryan. I don't know what will happen, but God will be there.
Two steps beyond the edge
I can't undo this leap of faith, takes my breath away
So high above the ground
You've got me hanging in mid air between here and there
Now all I have is you
I'm not afraid, I know I'm safe
It's a chance, but my choice is made
I'm not alone, You won't let go
And I know through it all, you hold me in the freefall
If I just believe my eyes
I'd see I should be terrified but I'm so alive
I don't know how or when
But I believe that You'll come through
Lord, I'm trusting You
Can't wait to see what You will do
I'm not afraid, I know I'm safe
It's a chance but my choice is made
I'm not alone, You won't let go
And I know through it all, You hold me in the freefall
You've got me falling from the sky with no parachute
Thinking I can fly but I know it's You
Got me up here, no fear, no tears
Mind's clear 'cause I know You're here
Can't wait to see what You will do
I'm not afraid, I know I'm safe
It's a chance, but my choice is made
I'm not alone, You won't let go
And I know through it all, You hold me in the freefall
(Freefall by Royal Tailor)
Another this that we had during staff training was a spiritual retreat weekend. They took away our cell phones, our alarm clocks, our watches, any electronics that we could potentially have to distract us or tell time. They woke us over the intercoms in the mornings and used the intercoms to tell us where to be. The first night and following morning, we had to be silent. No talking what-so-ever. And it was awesome to be able to jsut be silent and listen to God and His creation around us. Around that time, I head been reading a book called, "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul." It is one of the best books I've ever read. During that weekend, I was able to lay down some things, and this includes a mindset that I've had for a long time. That I'm not pretty. I grew up believing that because a "friend" would constantly tell me that. I've become self-conscious about it. if only I was skinnier. If only my hair would look like I want it to. If only I was physically active and healthy. If only... I was beautiful. I had my moments where I did feel beautiful. I had constant reminders from parents, siblings, and friends. But soon I'd believe the lie again. Throughout the spiritual retreat, I came to a realization that this way of thinking degrades God. Why? Because it is saying that what God made isn't good enough. I have been complaining to God, saying, "God, you didn't make me right. You messed up." And that's ridiculous. If I heard anyone say that out loud, I would think that they were insane. But that's what my attitude about myself says. So, in that weekend, I gave up this thought. Will I still struggle with it? Yes. But at least I can consciously stop myself now from thinking it. Here is what I wrote that weekend:
"Beauty. What makes a person beautiful? What makes a woman beautiful? When we are little, almost anything makes us feel pretty. A five-year-old wearing a new dress will walk around with the biggest smile on her face, showing everyone her new dress. Why? She knows that she is a beautiful little girl and wants to share it with the world. But what happens when we start growing up? Friends tell us that what we are wearing isn't pretty anymore. We get acne and think it makes us ugly. Culture tells us that we have to look a certain way in order to be considered 'beautiful': how we dress, how we look, how much we weigh, everything outwardly they can think of. Other girls start getting noticed by guys and not us. The world looks at us, and if we don't meet its standards, it spits in our face and tells us that we'll never be liked, never have a guy, never be beautiful. And as girls, we are hurt by that. God made us to want to be beautiful, because God Himself is beautiful. The world tells us that beauty is on the outside, but in reality, beauty really starts on the inside. There are plenty of 'beautiful' people that if you look deep down, in their hears, they are rotten and ugly. Because of sin. They glorify their outward beauty, when their inside needs a makeover. But we can't fix it on our own. Only God can wash us clean and show us our inner beauty. Outer beauty is nothing when we are not beautiful on the inside as well. And when God makes us beautiful on the inside, we become even more beautiful on the outside, and that's what really matters. Just like my earthly Daddy tells me that I'm beautiful, whenever I run to my Heavenly Daddy when the world tries to put me down, He will tell me, "My daughter, you are beautiful." Those words alone bring me so much joy and happiness, but the world tries to take that away form me. And it will try to take it away from anyone who finds their true beauty in the Lord. It's a difficult thing to be told all around you that you are not beautiful, but it is a blatant lie. You don't have to believe it because your Heavenly Daddy thinks otherwise. The thing I most long to hear from the Lord is, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." But while on earth, the thing I most love to hear my Heavenly Daddy say is, "My daughter, you are beautiful."
This has always been head knowledge to me, but now, it is heart knowledge.
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Two weeks passed, and then what we had been training for finally came. Camp started.
DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!! :O
The first two weeks of camp had some stressful times. Drama with adults, drama with kids, a lot of stress and crying. But I loved those two groups. They were a learning experience for sure. The next two weeks were practically stress free. Add DayQuest on Saturdays on top of that (riding horses and putting life jackets on people) and you have four very busy weeks of camp. But they were awesome. And I learned something from it. I've seen some kids with hurtful pasts, and sometimes, words just won't help much. BUT, actions can help, and as a counselor, I have to stand up and show these kids the love of Christ, not only by my words, but also by my actions.
Mr. Good Intentions, too much I wanna do
My mouth just keeps a-running, but I never follow through
I heard that true religion is love with hands and feet
I wanna find my own way to reach a world in need
Yeah, I've been captured by the unimportant
Locked in, and now it's time to break free
There's more to life, open my eyes
Someone is needing You, so I gotta make a move
What good are words when this world hurts
Real faith will come through when I make a move
We don't need permission to go outside of these doors
And dream some crazy dream no one else had dreamed before
To show love and compassion where we me be
To put faith into action, do more than just believe
We are hope to those who have been broken
We were made to make a difference, made to make a difference
There's more to life, open my eyes
Someone is needing You, so I gotta make a move
What good are words when this world hurts
Real faith will come through when I make a move
I've been captured by the unimportant
Locked in, and now it's time to break free, now it's time to break free
There's more to life, open my eyes
Someone is needing You, so I gotta make a move
What good are words when this world hurts
Real faith will come through when I make a move
(Make a Move by Royal Tailor)
Four weeks of camp came and went, and before I knew it, it was time for me to leave to go on my vacation. And what, you may ask, did I do on my vacation? Well, I went to another camp! :D The best camp that I have ever been to.
Super Summer.
Super Summer always changes my life in a new way. I always learn something about myself and/or it is a very healing time for me. I realized two main things that week about myself.
#1 - I seclude myself from people accidentally on purpose. What do I mean by that? I am afraid of betrayal, and because of this, I have a hard time wanting to get too close to people. Yet I am a very trusting person. So what do I do? I don't do things with my co-workers like events or hanging with them at the lake. I seclude myself. I make an excuse to not go somewhere, or I sit over by myself at the lake. And it wasn't until Super Summer and seeing myself do this same thing with the other Khaki Krew that I realized what was happening. This, I told my fellow Khaki Krew and had them pray for me, and I hope soon that I can tell some of my friends here at DRG so they can help me too.
#2 - I miss close male companionship. Not like a boyfriend (cause I've never had one), but true close guy friends. I had a taste of that again at Super summer, and realized that I was missing it for some reason at DRG. One reason, seclusion. But I'm not sure of the other reasons. But for some reason, I don't feel it here, and I miss it. I miss these goofy guys with me in the picture. My amazing Bryan guy friends like Josh, Adam, Luke, Sean, and Tim. I miss them a lot, and really want people like them here with me.
Super Summer was such a God-filled week for me. The teaching was great. The music was phenomenal. Getting to serve in the Khaki Krew was so much fun, and I got to hang out some with my youth group, one that I hadn't seen in six months, the others I hadn't seen in a month and a half. Super Summer is one of those things that I can't stand leaving. However, I normally am surrounded by family and friends that have been there and understand my sadness, and I can cry to them and they completely know why because they know what I've experienced. This time around, I leave the next day to come back to DRG, where no one knows about Super Summer except what I've told them, and I have to go back to my routine. Hearing the same sermons, eating the same food, doing the same high adventure activities week after week after week.
And that is hard.
I have so much sadness and longing to be back to that place where everything is okay, where I feel God the most, where I have a loving Christian family made up of my brothers and sisters in Christ who are sharing in the experience with me, where they have the best music, and where I'm learning new things everyday about my God and about me. I always feel like this, but my family and youth group do to, so we stand together and help each other through it, and right now, they do have each other. But I feel completely...alone.
The feeling of being alone is one of the worst feelings ever. I'm not with my family, my youth group, my college friends, my other school friends, and not even really my co-workers, because they are busy with their kids and so am I. I am always watching after my kids. Now, don't get my wrong, I love my girls, and my guys groups. But when I am either alone during free time at night or when I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I feel that deep sense of being alone.
Even though it's hard, I do know that I'm not alone. In the midst of feeling lonely, I have my Heavenly Daddy. I can just run into His arms and He will be my comfort so that I won't feel alone anymore.
You are good, You are good, when there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love, on display for all to see
You are light, You are light, when the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope, You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace, when my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true, even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy, You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, in You, death has lost its sting
Oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world, forever reign
You are more, You are more, than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord, all creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here, in your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God, of all else I'm letting go
My heart will sing no other name
Jesus, Jesus
(Forever Reign by Hillsong United)
Well guys, that about wraps up my summer update for you all. I'm sorry that it was sooooooooooo long, but I just kept writing and writing and writing and couldn't stop, which was great because every time I've tried to write a blog to update you guys, I never get anywhere...which is why I wrote this whole thing out in a notebook first. :D Well, I'll update you guys again at the end of the summer. Sayonara! ^_^
It is so wonderful to see how God is working in your life. Furthermore, it is also great to have a point of prayer for you.
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