The End of January Doesn't Seem To Like Me...

Wow, it's almost a whole month into the new year. I knew that this year would be full of new things, good and bad, but did the bad have to be so early on in the year? o_O

I tell you what, the past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life....which the irony is that I was having a really hard time around this time last year as well. I don't think the beginning of the year likes me very much. Luckily, this year's hardships aren't quite as bad as last years....but at the same time it's still very hard.

In the past week, I have lost two friends...not that I'm no longer friends with them, but things have separated us. One of them, it's a separation of different countries, because she's gone to Italy Abroad. I've been separated from friends in many circumstances and in many different ways, and each time is harder than the first. Why? Why does it feel like these kind of things keep happening to me? I have come to realize that Satan likes to use what hurts you the most to get to you, and a big one for me is separation.

Because of this, I've been on an emotional roller coaster all week, and it hasn't been fun. No wonder I don't like roller coasters. :P But, you know what has helped me the most this week? Go ahead....take a guess.....did you guess? Other than Jesus......no Sunday School answers here.....give up? Okay, I will tell you.

My friends.

They have been a big support for me this week. Without my friends, my week would've been almost impossible to get through without really completely breaking down. Yes, I broke down in tears quite a few times, but I mean really break down, to the point of feeling like the world was going to end. But luckily, I have great friends who know how best to help: just to let me cry on their shoulder and comfort me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I hope and pray that things start to look up. Today and yesterday were okay, so hopefully this is a good sign for me.

~Katherine Grace~

Hello.

I've decided to join a nunnery. Tell my parents God has called me. I'll update from within the walls of my convent.

"Hymn To The Sea" is so Comforting...Sometimes to the Point of Tears

~Have you ever heard of "Hymn To The Sea"? I wouldn't expect most people to. It is the name of the last track on the Titanic soundtrack. It is probably one of the most beautiful movie scores that I have ever heard. It has that Celtic feel to it (cause of the bagpipes). It is one of those pieces of music that has a weird effect on me. When I am happy, in a general good mood, I can just listen to this song and enjoy the beauty of it and I melt just listening to it. But when I am sad, depressed, stressed out, this music is a comfort to me and it helps me cry.

~What do you do when you have the urge to help people and you know that you can't do anything?! I HATE IT. SO MUCH. I just want to kick and scream when I feel helpless. I want to yell out, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!! WHY CAN'T I FIND A WAY TO HELP THESE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE SO MUCH?!?!?!" But that is the voice inside. On the outside, I act completely different. I start getting really quiet, not wanting to have too much conversation, because if I do, then I might start crying, and I don't want to be seen by my friends in that weakness, because I think that I shouldn't burden them with my problems when I should be helping them instead. So everything builds and builds and builds until I just burst. And then soon after that, the process starts all over again.

~When you want to get out of this vicious cycle, how do you escape? Most people would say to talk to people about things. It's not that easy. When you have been backstabbed by different "friends" in the past, how do you get yourself to trust people enough to let them in and tell them what you are thinking, to let them know that on the inside, you are hurting for other people and in turn hurting yourself even more in the process? It's not simple. At all. It is one of the hardest things for me to try to do. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to confide in someone only to in the end be shoved away. I don't want to confide is someone and then have to leave them. Because when that happens, what do you do? You have to start over and find someone else to confide in.

~At this point, I know that being in college has helped me to be more open to people; not on a deep level, but open enough to be generic about when I'm going through something. But I'm still working on being able to fully open up and just cry. I've cried to a friend maybe once since I've been here, and it felt good...but I hated doing it. But I know that sometimes, it helps to cry on a friend's shoulder. I'm always the shoulder...but maybe I need to find a shoulder for me to cry on sometimes. Right now, I am listening to "Hymn To The Sea" (on repeat), and I could probably cry...but (here I go again) I don't want to be a burden to anyone...at least not tonight. It's late, and I have to get up early in the morning. So goodnight all, and I pray to my Heavenly Father that this week turns out to be better than this past week.

~Katherine Grace~

Always The Listener, But Hardly Listened To.....And I Should Consider Teaching In Texas :P

Man, the last few days have been hard. I've just been going through some things mentally that have been driving me bonkers. O_o And through talking to one of my best friends, Lauren, I've been able to get out this state called confusion and clear some things up in my head.

Friendships are really important to me. They really are. The only problem is that in the past four years, I have moved around so much that I haven't had a lot of time to develop deep friendships that I yearn for. I have made a few along the way, but it really is deep friendships that I long to have. Being in college, I now have that privilege to develop deep deep friendships, but the only problem is... in a lot of ways, I'm not sure how to do this.

When I was younger, I had more time to develop friendships with people cause I went to the same elementary school for four years. Now, naturally these friendships weren't as deep as a friendship would be for me now, but at that age they were deep and strong. Since moving away from there, it has been hard for me to figure out what to do, how to reach out to people, and get to know someone on a more personal level. And the harder area for me lately is... guys.

I just don't understand how to communicate effectively to get to know a guy on a deeper level than just normal guy friends. Not only is it hard for me to speak their language, but past experiences hinder me as well. In the past four or five years, a lot of the guys that I have become really really close to...well, to be honest, it was like being stabbed in the back and the knife was left there each time. And every time that happened, I kept myself more and more closed off to my guy friends, so now I'm at a point that it is hard for me to really open to guys (except a few, who are more like brothers to me than just epic guy friends).

Another aspect of me that makes this issue hard is that since this is a struggle for me, it is also really hard for me to tell the guys this struggle because I don't want to burden them or put pressure on them. I feel like all of my problems, I should just keep to myself, and I shouldn't bother them. The girls, that's one thing. My girlies have always been there for me since I've been here at Bryan. But I feel like I shouldn't burden the guys with my trivial issues that I might be going through, when in reality, some of the best discussions and getting things out have been with guy friends in the past. I have always been the one that people go to for advice, for a listening ear, and even for a shoulder to cry on. But hardly do I ever find that for myself. There are a few girls I can do that to here, but so far, I haven't found the courage to find maybe one or two guy friends (other than my "big brother") that I can go to, and it because of my fear of burdening them as well as being rejected by them, that they won't really care.

I'm hoping to start working on this, but this will require reaching out to them as well, which will be really hard for me. Please be praying for me as I try to cultivate these lifelong friendships with probably some of the best men that I will ever meet in my life.

~Katherine Grace~

P.S. On a random side note, today I made a decision about my teaching career. :P I am going to move to Texas to teach. Reason? Because the average salary of a teacher in Texas is twice the amount for teachers in Tennessee. O_o So yeah, you can bet that once I'm done with college and all that student teaching, the first place I'll be looking at is Texas schools. :P For realz. :O (Now realize, that I am partly joking, but at the same time partly serious. Lolz.)

Ahhhh...It feels good to be back! :D

I'M BACK!!!!! :D I have missed this campus so much!! I've been back for a week now, and I automatically remembered why I just love this place. :D Friends, good laughs, and awesome professors. Downsides: homework, cafeteria food, and lack of sleep. :P But it's all worth it! :D

So, my schedule so far is pretty fair but insane at the same time. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I have Old Testament Literature and Interpretation at 8:00, Music Theory II at 9:00, and Intro to Communications at 10:00. I have Methods of Teaching Secondary Music at 12:00 on Mondays and Wednesdays, and the Keyboard Proficiency II at 4:00 on Mondays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have Music Theory II at 8:30 (Sight Singing and Ear Training), Intro to Teaching at 9:30, and Women's Chorus at 3:00. So not as many classes, but man, I know it's gonna be killer, especially my Methods class since it's a 400 level (senior) class. o_O The work that I know about already looks really hard. But I know that with God's help and some encouragement from my friends, I will make it through and keep my sanity (or whatever I have left of it).

Also, another exciting thing has occurred. :D Because my dear friend Renee is not able to return this semester, I have become one of the co-leaders of the drama portion of Testify. It's gonna be a lot of fun, I know it. ^_^

Well, that's all I really have to talk about right now. I'll try to post something up either at the end of the week or sometime next week and update you all on how things are going (especially in Methods).

God Bless!!

~Katie Grace~