"Hymn To The Sea" is so Comforting...Sometimes to the Point of Tears

~Have you ever heard of "Hymn To The Sea"? I wouldn't expect most people to. It is the name of the last track on the Titanic soundtrack. It is probably one of the most beautiful movie scores that I have ever heard. It has that Celtic feel to it (cause of the bagpipes). It is one of those pieces of music that has a weird effect on me. When I am happy, in a general good mood, I can just listen to this song and enjoy the beauty of it and I melt just listening to it. But when I am sad, depressed, stressed out, this music is a comfort to me and it helps me cry.

~What do you do when you have the urge to help people and you know that you can't do anything?! I HATE IT. SO MUCH. I just want to kick and scream when I feel helpless. I want to yell out, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!! WHY CAN'T I FIND A WAY TO HELP THESE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE SO MUCH?!?!?!" But that is the voice inside. On the outside, I act completely different. I start getting really quiet, not wanting to have too much conversation, because if I do, then I might start crying, and I don't want to be seen by my friends in that weakness, because I think that I shouldn't burden them with my problems when I should be helping them instead. So everything builds and builds and builds until I just burst. And then soon after that, the process starts all over again.

~When you want to get out of this vicious cycle, how do you escape? Most people would say to talk to people about things. It's not that easy. When you have been backstabbed by different "friends" in the past, how do you get yourself to trust people enough to let them in and tell them what you are thinking, to let them know that on the inside, you are hurting for other people and in turn hurting yourself even more in the process? It's not simple. At all. It is one of the hardest things for me to try to do. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to confide in someone only to in the end be shoved away. I don't want to confide is someone and then have to leave them. Because when that happens, what do you do? You have to start over and find someone else to confide in.

~At this point, I know that being in college has helped me to be more open to people; not on a deep level, but open enough to be generic about when I'm going through something. But I'm still working on being able to fully open up and just cry. I've cried to a friend maybe once since I've been here, and it felt good...but I hated doing it. But I know that sometimes, it helps to cry on a friend's shoulder. I'm always the shoulder...but maybe I need to find a shoulder for me to cry on sometimes. Right now, I am listening to "Hymn To The Sea" (on repeat), and I could probably cry...but (here I go again) I don't want to be a burden to anyone...at least not tonight. It's late, and I have to get up early in the morning. So goodnight all, and I pray to my Heavenly Father that this week turns out to be better than this past week.

~Katherine Grace~